The ambitious women I work with, seem to all have the same four Vs in common. These affect their careers and more often their relationships more times than I can count.
It usually surprises them, and it may even surprise you since most of these women seem to have their life all figured out. Maybe you’re one of them.
Here is a list of the four Vs and how they can take powerful women like you down, especially in relationships:
VOICE: At some point in their upbringing they were taught that it’s dangerous to speak up in relationships, that it’s dangerous to express anger, disappointment or even rage – risking abandonment, judgement or worse. This V also shows up in not expressing their needs, wants and desires, people-pleasing and acquiescing in order to get love and validation. Authentic self-expression and emotions don’t feel fully welcomed.
VISIBILITY: At some point, someone told you that you were too much; for me, it was you’re too loud (see the first V) or you’re too emotional or you’re too fat, too stupid or too… well you get it right? If you shine you stand out and standing out is dangerous! This V shows up when we shrink away from shining within our relationships. We shrink to not upset the balance or our partner’s ego and nobody wins. When we lose ourselves and disconnect from our desires or our ambition in order to get love. It also shows up as not stepping into our power and claiming importance and space in the relationship, asking that our needs be met. We hide parts of ourselves, our witchy intuitive side or the other parts we deem unsafe or unacceptable. We bargain our fullest expression to be loved.
VOID: Void filling is using external people, places, things, habits etc. and especially work and success to fill the void of feeling insignificant, unfulfilled, unloved or disconnected inside. My drug of choice was the illusion of romantic love and food, what’s yours? This one goes deep as well. At some point in your development, you were taught, directly or indirectly, that you were no enough or that you were unlovable. The pain of this is too great to endure and our little girl found ways to cope and she did it so well that now were don’t even realize the extent at which we are numbing this pain.
VULNERABILITY: Perhaps the biggest and most important of the Vs. Vulnerability is also the hardest. It’s also the one we fool ourselves into think we’re ‘doing’. With vulnerability, I show up ready and willing to love fully and be of service to the relationship and the other at the risk of being hurt, I don’t withhold. We choose to lay ourselves full out and risk being hurt by the person we love so much. Vulnerability is where I give you the ammunition to kill me and I trust that you won’t use it against me. It’s opening yourself up even when you want to shut down. Unfortunately, we’ve chosen the wrong people to be vulnerable within the past and so we’ve built up a protective shell that says NEVER again. We may keep our partners at bay by withholding or punishing in the relationship or we may become what I call MANOREXIC and swear off relationships for a while, maybe a lifetime. We crave a deeper connection but it’s just not safe.
Vulnerability goes hand in hand empathy which we can’t feel for another unless we’ve become okay with our own dark side and emotional landscape. When we can have the courage to look deep at our most unlovable places and learn to love them, then we can ‘risk’ being vulnerable because we no longer judge ourselves as needy, insecure or ‘too emotional’.
The trouble is we have misidentified these as grown-up issues when the reality is that these are all pieces of your little girl who is still yearning for love. She’s yearning to be truly seen and embraced for the totality and fullness of her badass self… and it’s keeping you from experiencing the greatest love of all.
No amount of behaviour change or even plain coaching or therapy has helped so far right? That’s because what I’ve discovered is that they are rooted deep in your nervous system and survival brain. There is a way to get them back online, to experience peace and self-trust again, so you feel safe in yourself and in love.
If you’ve stayed with me this far… maybe you want to take it a step further?
Click here to set up a time to speak: http://bit.ly/2pFqb26
Lots of love.