I had arrived “home” after having set off on the very first of my adventures in finding myself and I didn’t feel at home at all. What was this ugly feeling? The all too familiar feeling of not belonging, and of feeling disconnected and detached? I wanted to separate myself from everything I had ever known, but why? Partly because I knew there was so much more out there to learn and to see, and partly because I was ashamed of the perceived limitations of my upbringing and culture.
As the remainder of my twenties progressed; I continued to learn and search for how to become more, see more and do more. Empowered by the fact that I understood I create my own reality; I set forth to analyze and dissect my life. How had I created the situation with my ex boyfriend, the car accident, or the rudeness from the lady at the grocery store? What was the lesson in all of this? I grew frustrated because I was unable to understand the nature of this new lesson. I continued, however, to be a spiritual seeker and to know more. What I realized is that true knowing can’t come from any book or workshop. It comes from an integrated experience. When the intellectual knowing of something becomes visceral, and when it is felt with every fibre of your being. Some people call this an “AH HA” moment, and others call it an awareness. It’s the complete alignment of knowledge with experience on every level. It can only come from a connection to your source, which is your deep inner knowing.
As the years passed, I started to view each of my relationships as a classroom. Here I could learn and see all my wounding and those that needed to be healed. Of course it was not always easy and did not always happen while I was in the relationships. I often found that after distancing myself from a chaotic situation I was able to gain more clarity. Sometimes, being very new to this, I missed the lesson entirely until it came around and smacked me in the face a second, third, forth, or…well, you get the point.
Upon my return to Terra Firma I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was unemployed and back at the ho-hum of my previous existence. Shortly after returning home 9/11 happened and, as we all remember, it changed the world as we knew it. Never before had something of this magnitude happened so close to home. It was devastating and scary on so many levels and I was glad that I had not been away traveling when it happened. “Home” became a safe-haven again and I was instantly grateful for being close to my loved ones. It’s amazing how things can come into instant perspective when we employ a little gratitude. These events also lead me to think about all those people who had passed away that day, including the wounded souls that did the unspeakable. How had they created this reality? Why would they create this reality? The questions haunted me for days and months. I didn’t understand why anyone would choose that path. Of course, I was thinking about a conscious choice rather than the unconscious choices that we make everyday. Don’t we create our own reality, though? Who the “we” is, is the most important question. I believe that the people who sacrificed their lives on that day are all angels and messengers who choose, but not in anyway that we can comprehend, to be part of the divine lessons that came from that day. People coming together, the strangers who on a regular day would not even spare a glance at each other all came together to help, comfort, save and be saved. They turned the tragedy of this event into a great and profound lesson for us all. That although the world may seem to be full of evil; our essential nature is to love and be loved.
Shortly after this event I was gainfully employed again in an office (which, for me, was like a prison). I worked in this windowless jail every day for the next 5 years. I tried every day to incorporate the lessons I was continually learning from my mentor, books and workshops, but it was all in the background. It was hard, I thought, to apply these lessons to the real world. These spiritual teachings were all part of the magic and romance that I held dear to me on the inside but I was too afraid to show it to others. Fear of ridicule and of being called “unrealistic” and fanciful. However, the more I despaired with my present life circumstances and the unhappy and unconscious path my life seemed to be heading on the more I dove into my spirituality. Each time I shared a conversation with someone “like-minded” my heart would sore. It filled me up in ways that my everyday existence, at the time, could not. What was I to do with my life? Was I to work in an office all day at a job I could not stand? Approaching your spiritual growth as hobby and not accepting that it is an inseparable part of who you are will lead to this type of despair.
Then when I had least expected it, as it so often happens, I met a man. We quickly fell in love and started a very intense relationship. Over the course of 7 years together, which now seem to be a blur, we tested each other and pushed each others buttons; many times driving each other insane. I approached this relationship differently than any other I had been in. I tried to use it as a spiritual practice. I wanted to learn from my partner and heal the places that needed healing. It wasn’t always easy, because getting caught up in the story or the emotion can sometimes be intoxicating, but each time I was able to come up for air I went to school asking myself where and why this was happening. What was the deeper lesson here? Those seven years where the best schooling that money can ever buy. I chose to be consumed by the fire, and it was this fire that finally set me free.
To be continued…