Have you ever come out of a conversation with a friend or someone you just met and thought to yourself; “Why did I say that?” Maybe you’ve put the phone down after speaking with a man you’re attracted to and thought, “Why was I acting like that and who was that girl?” If you answered yes to either of these scenarios you most likely committed the very common mistake of not being authentic to who you are and your intentions were probably misleading.
Many times we speak without clear intentions and usually the results are misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and/or regrets. It’s important to make sure you’re absolutely present when you are speaking with another person. What this means is, don’t be thinking of what to say next, truly listen to their words. Try to feel them on a visceral level. Ask yourself the following questions: Do their words ring true to you? Are you reacting to them in some part of your body or mind? What is the reaction? Is your response fabricated or truthful? The words you speak are one thing but the underlying truth or intention is another. We are all energetic beings with natural inborn antenna that detects energy and literally “picks up” the signal of intention in some form whether we’re consciously aware of it or not. If you’re in tune with this receptor in yourself then this “signal” can be picked up quickly and easily. If you’re not tapped in on a conscious level then you are still “picking up” the signal so to speak, but you will most likely respond reactively to it and unconsciously. If you’re truly present in the conversation then you can “feel” what the other person is saying without them even saying the words.
Most often however we are not this receptive or aware and this is often when perceived misunderstandings occur. For example, when we say “I didn’t mean that!” or “You misunderstood!” In most cases, what we really meant was the hidden intention behind our words. We may later realize this and feel regret for not speaking the truth, or we may later realize that we misunderstood the whole thing entirely. The important thing to take away from these realizations is the fact that you became aware of the true meaning. It’s often painful to do, but there is value in going over a conversation in your mind and asking yourself if you were being truly authentic and truthful when you said what you said. You may also want to ask yourself if you read into the situation incorrectly. Don’t dwell on it for too long, get lost in thought, or over analyze the conversation. Be aware of the lesson and move on.
We are all here to learn from each other; some lessons are easier than others. Most often our best teachers are those we are in close relationships with: friends, lovers, husbands, wives, and even our coworkers. Why is it so hard for us to get these lessons and see them clearly for what they are? One of the ways that I’m learning how to do this is by being brutally honest with myself in the moment especially when speaking with another person. However, this is not as easy as it sounds and takes a lot of practice. You will fall down, but it’s important to pick yourself back up again and stay alert. We often go on autopilot and let our past personas (who we were or how we think we should behave) take over and do the talking. Our family of origin or past experiences can often taint a situation. Our deepest truth of who we are is not at this surface reactive level, but deep below in the stillness of presence. Bringing your awareness to the present moment and scanning your body and mind is the best way to communicate truthfully and from the heart. What are your intentions? Who is doing the talking? Is it you or is it your ego?
These questions can be scary for some; in fact most of us harbor a deep fear of rejection. Another way we often go unconscious, when speaking with each other, is through our own ingrained false perceptions. We may indeed be speaking with a person who is truly present and speaking from their truth but because of our own past conditioning and false perceptions, or ego mind, we don’t “hear” what the person is actually saying. Sometimes one person in the conversation is truly present and the other is not. The person operating from the ego mind filters the entire conversation through past experiences, hopes and/or the need to control the conversation and/or the person. Unfortunately, the latter is often the case in our everyday communications with others.
The word ego is tossed around a lot in many spiritual writings because it’s the best way to describe the “non you” that is controlling your life. Our deepest sense of who we are is not derived from ego, as mentioned in my previous blog; it comes from a deeper place. This is a place of stillness where the mind is shut off from analyzing and thinking. Try and become aware of the wizard behind the curtain, which is often the loud voice of your ego. When ego is doing the talking you’ll know because you can feel it in your body if you pay attention. There is a sense of unease and tension that you can feel in the pit of your stomach. Sometimes because of a conditioned response it’s difficult to be aware of ego in the moment and we often don’t see it until it’s too late. The good news is that claiming the awareness is never too late. As Maya Angelou said, “When you know better you do better, right?” Recognize where your mind was and what the intentions behind your actions were; that’s where the lesson is. If you can hold onto that, then the likelihood of repeating this gets lower and lower each time!
This ego tells us that it’s not okay to own our power as women, to show a man that we are more than our physical appearance. It tells us that we can’t express our brilliance or independence. Why do so many of us powerful and intelligent women fall into this trap? My inner feminist would say it’s due to years of cultural conditioning and centuries of atrocities and disrespect towards women by men and worse still, by other women. Unfortunately, this way of thinking has been ingrained in our psyche, but it is NOT the truth. Those things were done by the collective egoic mind of the past, but we can change all of that in this moment. It can be difficult at first, especially because we tend to operate from our wounded feminine past, but simply becoming aware of this is the first and most powerful step. Take a deep breath during your conversations with others and awaken the little observer of your thoughts. Catch your ego feminine being inauthentic or seeking to control the situation or conversation. Stop before you speak and ask yourself if what you are about to say is true? If it’s not, honour that and yourself; only speak when there is truth to be spoken. The best advice I can give is to work on being the best you possible and release the false ideas that you’re in anyway unworthy. You are worthy of so much more than you know and when you see that, others will too!
I had an experience awhile back with one of my friends that reinforced this lesson for me. Through our friendship he is teaching me the very dynamic I speak about between men and women and staying in our personal power not just for our benefit but for theirs as well. Without his knowing he continues to teach me this, and many other lessons. Coming from a place of authenticity not only honours yourself and gives you back your personal power but it does that for the other person as well. You are saying that they are worthy of receiving the best of you. Our relationships and friends can often be our greatest teachers if we are willing to learn and if we pay attention. Most importantly we must be honest and humble enough to receive the lessons!
Have a great day! Set the intention to be truthful and honest with yourself and others. Be authentic!